Allow me to introduce myself....to myself

Hi my blog lovelies. It has been well over a little while since i've posted here [i know i know, shame on it all] BUT if you are fans of my writing, you can always check me out over at The Rainbow Room Things are lil bit edgier/racier/gayer over there so...you've been warned :-) Anywho, I've had something on my mind lately that's more fitting to post here, so here I am.

When I was younger (teens) my parents use to tell me how horrible the 20's were for them, and that I shouldn't be in such a rush to be 21 because the 20's were all about instability, hustlin and trying to find your place in the world. Psssh. I wasn't tryin to hear all that. I wanted to be grown and do wut the hell i wanted to do. 21 = nothin but freedom, gambling, drank and clubs to me. lol. [hot ass mess, i know] So i let all of that nonsense from my parents go in one ear and straight out the other.

I'm now about to be 27 and i see precisely what they were trying to warn me about. 20s are no joke. I feel like i've been forced into a blender and someone has cranked it all the way up to shredabish, and im strugglin to come out partially alive. Smh. My parents raised me well, and I have always had a good head on my shoulders....for the most part. I had a yr back in 2004 where I straight up lost half my mind, but ehhh *shrug*, the thrill faded. So now i'm really trying to carve out my little niche and see how I can make life work for me, and it's HARD. I'm craving stability right now, and I can't seem to begin to find it. School is great but im so ready to be done and start my career, write my books, be in a happy/passionate/fulfilling relationship, have babies, travel. You know...LIVE. It sings to be taking more than my share of blood sweat and tears to get there and I've been really discouraged lately. I've just been going through struggle after struggle with personal things, and sometimes i'm afraid nothing will ever settle and just be peaceful for me. Smh. I feel like i'm evolving and growing in so many ways, but now i'm struggling to become one with myself, and truly become grounded in what I want for myself. It's crazy.

I know good things come to those who wait, patience is a virtue, and much is given to those who work hard and endure. I just wish i could talk myself into seeing the rainbow past all of the clouds hovering over me right now. *sigh*

Okay, okay. Lord, this post is depressing. lol! I'll think of a lighter topic to update you all on later. Thanks for reading! *MuAh*

My Blackberry is fuckin DEAD! HELP!

Ok yall i'm goin crazy. Whoever started calling blackberry's CRACKberrys knew what the hell they were talkin about. Smh. Shit is crazy. The trackball on mine stopped working last week and i've been reduced to using a pink razor from almost 4 yrs ago. Not a good look. But alas, I think i've found a reputable blackberry seller (read:not tryin to rob me for my papuh) and I might be back in the game by this weekend. Fingers crossed and prayers sent cuz um...this slow ass antique phone is NOT the bizness rite now.

That is all.

Happy new yr by the way. lol.

Lil bit of this...lil bit of that

Heyyyy everyone ;-) So here it is, the end of 2009. YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! Whew chile... this year has been....geez... I dont even think I can properly express in words what kind of year it has been for me. I've gone through so much this year I truly wouldn't mind slippin on a sheet of ice, bumpin my head and conveniently suffering from insomnia ranging between January 09 and now. There were a few moments in there that I will always hold close to my heart...always. But for the most part, 2009 has not served me very well and I'm truly beyond ready for it to exit stage left. I don't want to sound totally rude and ungrateful, because I know many many people didn't even live to see this year. For my life I am thankful. I lived another year and became that much more wiser to my own ways and to the ways of the world I live in. I have acknowledged so much in my own self over the past 12 months, I truly learned who I am, who I want to be and how I will get there. I have made mistakes. Learned from them and now I work to move on. Through all of my tears and uphill battles, I made it to the end and I am ready to exhale, leave the past where it's divinely destined to be and step forward into the NEW year. 2010 can only be better. I will keep my heart and my mind focused on that. I'm not making any New Yrs resolutions. I just plan on living my life in a way that will make me proud and happy and I hope to reacquaint myself with lots of smiles and good times. Everyone be safe on New Yrs eve, party like you have nothing else in the world you could possibly be doing and claim your peace and happiness in 2010.

Have a Merry Christmas and a wonderful New Year!

and i'd like to leave you with O Holy Night by Jennifer Hudson. It's such a beautiful song and she sang it with everything inside of her. Enjoy =-)

Michael Jackson- This Is It...in my own words

I went with TLOML to see This Is It in Imax last night. Now Imax is not cheap. But I knew i needed to experience that film in the best visually captivating and top rate sound technology available. I was a little perturbed that the Metreon IMAX in San Francisco wasn't showing it, and i'll forgive them for it one day in the not so near future. But Bay St. was pretty good. It wasn't about the theater anyway. It was about MICHAEL JACKSON.

Anyone who read my post on June 25th knows how bad MJ's death shook me. I mean it literally broke me for a few days. Couldn't stop crying every time I thought about it. I've been playing his music constantly on my ipod and I cannot get enough. I've been submerged in Michael, and I never quite grasped the concept of him being gone. Until last night...

I sat in that theater knowing I was going to bawl like a baby as soon as MJ came on screen. Oddly enough, I didn't. I watched him. Scrutinized every move he made. Analyzed every note he hit. Waiting to see any hint of this frail, sickly, older man that many claimed him to be in his last days. I watched for any UN-Michael mistakes. Stuff that he just does not do. A flawed pop lock. An off key note. I found absolutely nothing. That man was not sick. He was rehearsing for what would have been the best tour ever performed on this earth. Even during the moments where you caould see he was vocally and physically holding back as to not exert his energy...he was still better than ANY youngin on the music scene today. No wonder why they all wanna be like Mike...

Michael Jackson awed me last night. He always had that power. Something about the way his spirit and heart electrifies a camera has always boggled my mind. Even when he is not performing, i'm captivated. But when he IS performing...the angels stand still. Last night, I finally realized that we no longer have this musical legend living among us. He is no longer tucked quietly away in his studio, plotting the biggest comeback since, well...his last one. He isn't smiling into any more cameras with his big bashful eyes. The music world has lost it's single most influential pulse that has given us the best pop music imaginable. And I am finally okay with that. I saw Michael in his element last night. On that stage, among people who respect and love him for being the genius man that he was, i saw him fulfilled. He came full circle, out of the horrid treatment from the press that he has gotten in his past. He rose above the child molestation charges that I 100% believe were full of shit from jump. (Did u know the first boy to accuse him of it in '93 came forward AFTER Michael's death to admit that him and his father were lying about it all?) Michael stepped into his deserving spotlight while rehearsing for This Is It and I think he died feeling invigorated, appreciated and motivated. And that is a good way to go.

Now yes, he had some problems. Drug dependency and relying on shady people in your life are signs of trouble. And perhaps if he had more positive energy around him, he would still be alive today. But I can't harp on that or I'll be out for blood (yes i would hem that Dr. up in a second if I had the chance) But I know that Michael is in Heaven right now, finally at peace with everything that has ever tormented him, and I know it's a good feeling.

Thank you, Michael, for sharing your final remarkable moments with your fans. We felt your presence throughout the film and we love you for it. You are still the best there ever was and ever will be.

At the end of the film, I cried. I let my tears flow, not out of hurt or sorrow. But because an era of musical perfection has come to an end, and my future children will never experience him LIVE. Ohh but that's okay, cuz they will know who Michael Jackson is, was and will forever be- The King of Pop.