Wednesday, March 26, 2008

I Couldn't stop her from KILLING herself

So this is what i would say to her if i ever had another chance...

Dear Yajaira,

Yea it's me. Long time no hear from, i know. But's not like u left me many ways to get in contact with u. Actually u didnt leave me ANY open lines of communication at all. And for that, I hate you.
Yea yea, hate is a strong word. Whatever. Grandma taught us both that. "Mijitas u should never hate because it takes up too much space in those hearts of yours and u need it to love su abuela as much as i love you!" Lol. That's what she use to say. And i've been good at taking her advice, for the most part. But this....Jaira....this is trying my patience.
I feel like u copped out. Like u wanted to have the last laugh. Make the largest last impression u could have ever made. Go out with a bang. You always were an attention junkie. (pot callin the kettle black huh?) Well....u got what u wanted. And i lost my "favorite" cousin in the process.
But's not about me, is it? It wasn't about me when i stayed up ALL nite, time and time again worried out of my damn mind because u called me at 2:47am and left a 5 mintue voicemail about how tired u were of living and u just didnt have the energy to go through all the shit life served u. U did that to me about 10 times. Each time i took u seriously & verbally held u together, kept u from crumbling beneath the weight put on your shoulders since birth. Each time u snapped back into your senses. Until the very last time....
Or maybe I dont really hate you. Maybe i hate myself for not saying the right fuckin words this time. What SHOULD i have said? I thought after being the only loyal person in your life for 21yrs that i had already said it all. I guess not. And I'm supposed to be the one who is so good with my words. Everyone knows that. Need a pep talk? Call Chanel. Need some advice? Call Chanel. Need to know how to PROPERLY curse a bitch out? Call Chanel. Need a line to help get u sum ass? Call Chanel. Need to be talked out of killing yourself? Dont ever call me because thats one of the few things I failed at and horribly.
You said (and this is a direct quote so dont even play me because u KNOW u said it) "Chanel dont ever let these females break u because put US together and u have sum of the strongest FIGHT in the world." And i laughed and called u a damn fool. But i agreed. Now....i no longer agree. Where did that fight go? I still have it. Actually, i think u somehow willed me the rest of yours because i swear my "fight" has gotten even more vicious. Lol. Good or bad thing?? Who knows. But your fight flew out the window Yajaira. The day u let that sorry ass pathetic piece of trifling shit beat the hell out of you, broke u internally, scarred you externally, and then blew out that flame in your eyes that everyone admired......You threw in the towel.
And now i can't even think about u for long periods of time because i use to see so much of myself in u. Raised more like sisters than cousins. So how did u end up where u ended? I am quick to say "Hell no. Never me. I'll never take my own life. When i die, it will be an act of God or my mother." lol. But really....just how strong am i? If u did it...who am i to say i could NEVER stoop that low? Because that's what happened. You were already down. And u let her come in and place her foot on your throat and KEPT you low that u gave up hope of ever getting back up again. Well Yajaira. I would have bent over backwards 52 times to pick u back up again. So why wasn't I an option?? I had been there for u through soooo many of your trials and tribulations. What took me out of the running this one final time? I guess i'll never know. But just in case , by some magical prayer, that u CAN come back....remember...your blood still coarses through my veins and vice versa. What i have that YOU yours. So...i still have a dose of "Fight" tucked away just for you. Whenever you're ready....

Love, Chanel

Tuesday, March 4, 2008