Saturday, May 1, 2010

Recognizing growth in myself

It's almost 2 am in the morning and i'm sitting here on a laptop I borrowed from school, wondering why the hell i'm not sleep. *sigh*

I have so much on my mind I kinda feel stuck right now. Like' I can't lay down and get comfortable enough to fall asleep, but staying awake is making me think and think and think and think some more. My mind is racing at 393877579349 mph. Smh.

I do, however, notice a change in my thought process. A little while ago, I probably would've beeen drowned in tears of sorrow and despair...and anger. But tonight I'm just analyzing things and realizing how much control I have tried to exert over EVERYTHING and how I have been hurting myself and the person I love the most by doing so. Learning how to let go and let happen what's meant to happen is a terribly hard thing to do, but once you do it, it's a great feeling of release. It's still nerve-wrecking at times, but it feels good to just breathe and know that I do not have to try to fix and control every single thing. I can sit back and see what life has to offer me and try to enjoy and/or learn from the process along the way. I still have hope for certain things that I would love to happen. But if those certain things dont work out...I know I will still be able to walk away a better woman than who I was some years ago and that makes me genuinely happy.