Allow me to introduce myself....to myself

Hi my blog lovelies. It has been well over a little while since i've posted here [i know i know, shame on it all] BUT if you are fans of my writing, you can always check me out over at The Rainbow Room Things are lil bit edgier/racier/gayer over there so...you've been warned :-) Anywho, I've had something on my mind lately that's more fitting to post here, so here I am.

When I was younger (teens) my parents use to tell me how horrible the 20's were for them, and that I shouldn't be in such a rush to be 21 because the 20's were all about instability, hustlin and trying to find your place in the world. Psssh. I wasn't tryin to hear all that. I wanted to be grown and do wut the hell i wanted to do. 21 = nothin but freedom, gambling, drank and clubs to me. lol. [hot ass mess, i know] So i let all of that nonsense from my parents go in one ear and straight out the other.

I'm now about to be 27 and i see precisely what they were trying to warn me about. 20s are no joke. I feel like i've been forced into a blender and someone has cranked it all the way up to shredabish, and im strugglin to come out partially alive. Smh. My parents raised me well, and I have always had a good head on my shoulders....for the most part. I had a yr back in 2004 where I straight up lost half my mind, but ehhh *shrug*, the thrill faded. So now i'm really trying to carve out my little niche and see how I can make life work for me, and it's HARD. I'm craving stability right now, and I can't seem to begin to find it. School is great but im so ready to be done and start my career, write my books, be in a happy/passionate/fulfilling relationship, have babies, travel. You know...LIVE. It sings to be taking more than my share of blood sweat and tears to get there and I've been really discouraged lately. I've just been going through struggle after struggle with personal things, and sometimes i'm afraid nothing will ever settle and just be peaceful for me. Smh. I feel like i'm evolving and growing in so many ways, but now i'm struggling to become one with myself, and truly become grounded in what I want for myself. It's crazy.

I know good things come to those who wait, patience is a virtue, and much is given to those who work hard and endure. I just wish i could talk myself into seeing the rainbow past all of the clouds hovering over me right now. *sigh*

Okay, okay. Lord, this post is depressing. lol! I'll think of a lighter topic to update you all on later. Thanks for reading! *MuAh*

I Couldn't stop her from KILLING herself

So this is what i would say to her if i ever had another chance...

Dear Yajaira,

Yea it's me. Long time no hear from, i know. But umm...it's not like u left me many ways to get in contact with u. Actually u didnt leave me ANY open lines of communication at all. And for that, I hate you.
Yea yea, hate is a strong word. Whatever. Grandma taught us both that. "Mijitas u should never hate because it takes up too much space in those hearts of yours and u need it to love su abuela as much as i love you!" Lol. That's what she use to say. And i've been good at taking her advice, for the most part. But this....Jaira....this is trying my patience.
I feel like u copped out. Like u wanted to have the last laugh. Make the largest last impression u could have ever made. Go out with a bang. You always were an attention junkie. (pot callin the kettle black huh?) Well....u got what u wanted. And i lost my "favorite" cousin in the process.
But hey...it's not about me, is it? It wasn't about me when i stayed up ALL nite, time and time again worried out of my damn mind because u called me at 2:47am and left a 5 mintue voicemail about how tired u were of living and u just didnt have the energy to go through all the shit life served u. U did that to me about 10 times. Each time i took u seriously & verbally held u together, kept u from crumbling beneath the weight put on your shoulders since birth. Each time u snapped back into your senses. Until the very last time....
Or maybe I dont really hate you. Maybe i hate myself for not saying the right fuckin words this time. What SHOULD i have said? I thought after being the only loyal person in your life for 21yrs that i had already said it all. I guess not. And I'm supposed to be the one who is so good with my words. Everyone knows that. Need a pep talk? Call Chanel. Need some advice? Call Chanel. Need to know how to PROPERLY curse a bitch out? Call Chanel. Need a line to help get u sum ass? Call Chanel. Need to be talked out of killing yourself? Dont ever call me because thats one of the few things I failed at and horribly.
You said (and this is a direct quote so dont even play me because u KNOW u said it) "Chanel dont ever let these females break u because put US together and u have sum of the strongest FIGHT in the world." And i laughed and called u a damn fool. But i agreed. Now....i no longer agree. Where did that fight go? I still have it. Actually, i think u somehow willed me the rest of yours because i swear my "fight" has gotten even more vicious. Lol. Good or bad thing?? Who knows. But your fight flew out the window Yajaira. The day u let that sorry ass pathetic piece of trifling shit beat the hell out of you, broke u internally, scarred you externally, and then blew out that flame in your eyes that everyone admired......You threw in the towel.
And now i can't even think about u for long periods of time because i use to see so much of myself in u. Raised more like sisters than cousins. So how did u end up where u ended? I am quick to say "Hell no. Never me. I'll never take my own life. When i die, it will be an act of God or my mother." lol. But really....just how strong am i? If u did it...who am i to say i could NEVER stoop that low? Because that's what happened. You were already down. And u let her come in and place her foot on your throat and KEPT you down....so low that u gave up hope of ever getting back up again. Well Yajaira. I would have bent over backwards 52 times to pick u back up again. So why wasn't I an option?? I had been there for u through soooo many of your trials and tribulations. What took me out of the running this one final time? I guess i'll never know. But just in case , by some magical prayer, that u CAN come back....remember...your blood still coarses through my veins and vice versa. What i have that YOU need...is yours. So...i still have a dose of "Fight" tucked away just for you. Whenever you're ready....

Love, Chanel