Conversations in my head. Round 7. Conference call

* Ring Ring

Solange: Hello?

Me: Hold on Solo. Gimme 2 minutes

*Ring Ring

Cassie: Hello?

Me: Cas, stay rite here real quick. I'll be back.

*Ring Ring

Amber Rose: Ms. Rose speaking

Me: Girl hold on

2 minutes of button pressing and wire crossing later....

Me: Okay, is everyone here?! Amber, Solo, Cassie??

Solo: Um what is going on?

Me: Solo, wait your turn. I called you earlier this year, u should already know what's up. Cassie? You there hunny bunny?

Cassie: Yeah. Who is this. Hey Solange, girl!

Me: Uh uh no, there will be no fraternizing on this conference call. I brought yall here for a reason and it's not to play pretty pretty princess with each other k? Y'all have done enuf of that and that's why you're in this predicament now.

Cassie: I don't understand.

Me: Obviously. And you're the one who started this shit!

Cassie: What shit?

Me: *sighs*

Cassie: Is this about Diddy? Are you one of his hoes? Look, I told y'all to st-..

Me: Girl boo, save your self riiiiight now. I dont hardly want your saber tooth tiger over there. U got that. Don't get it twisted. I have somebody whose bottom lip doesn't spend most of its time mopping the floor, k? So stop it. This isn't about Doody. This is about your scalp.

Cassie: Huh?

Me: Your scalp bitch your scalp!! Whew, chile...i'm sorry. Just had a moment there. It's just that i'm so mad at you for setting this trend ablaze, I dont know how to control myself.

Cassie: Oh, u dont like my hair?

Me: Understatement of the entire history of the universe. I loathe your hairscalp with everything inside of me. My ancestors are turning over in their graves imagining you stepping outside the house lookin like gangrene done ate up half of your head. Cassie why? Girl you have some beyootiful hair. You hear me?! Women pay 500.00 dollars a pack for that thick silky shit! And what did u do? Shave HALF of it off. Now why would you do that? At least commit to the Montel Williams look and do the whole damn head. But noooo. Someone convinced you that only half of your scalp needed ventilation.

Cassie: I just needed a change.

Me: No. Fail. You need a change now. You didnt need a change before. Well, maybe a career change, but that's neither here nor there. Your hair was fine. If u wanted a change, you coulda threw some color in it. Cut it a little. Hell dred lock it. But what you did is unforgiveable cuz now you have other women thinkin it's the thing ta do. I'm done with you for now Cassie. You're on punishment. Amber? You there hun?

Amber: Uh huh. But I only have a few minutes cuz Kanye jus text me. He's on his way.

Me: He can wait. You aint givin up the ass anyway. At least not to him. Anyway, I have a few words for you as well.

Amber: Before you even start, I shaved my head months before anyone even knew who I was.

Me: Now see, I was actually gonna be nice to you. Yes, I know you shaved your head before you were even a glimmer of relevancy. I do believe that's why it looks halfway good on you. You rock it with originality and confidence and the look on your face says you dont really give a good fuck about all the rest of the birds who claim to shave their heads for a righteous cause. You realize it's solely because you're an attention whore and I'm thankful for your non-denial. It's a refreshing breath of fresh air.

Amber: Um, okay. Thanks...i guess.

Me: Mmm hmm. No problem. One thing though. Really Amber, it's time to ditch the college dropout and go back to your girl friend. You're too fly to be straight. K? Thanks.

Solange: Ooo is it my turn now? Goodie!

Me: Is that sarcasm I hear over there Ms. Knowles?

Solange: I AM NOT MY SISTER!!!

Me: What in the bloody hell? Is your last name not Knowles? I didn't say anything about Beyo-uhh the other one.

Solange: Oh. Yeah. Hm. Sorry about that.

Me: Whew chile you need some therapy for that. I'm concerned. Maybe I wont lay into you too hard. I just wanna ask a question. Do you not own a brush?

Solange: Of course I own a brush. Plenty of them.

Me: Has the baby hid them all from you?

Solange: Not funny.

Me: Not trying to be. But hunny that hair is not the bizness. You wanna chop it all off, fine. At least u did the whole head. But why does it have to look like that? It looks like nappy taco meat and corn nuts, Solo.

Solange: See why do we have to submit to the white man's version of beauty and silky fine hair?!

Me: Now wait a minute sista, dont go all Malcolm X on me when just last month you were the sew-in's best friend. I have nothing against natural beauty, but natural does not have to mean uncivilized. U are giving natural a horrid name with that mess on your head. Spray a little rosewater and shea butter oil on it and run a brush through it one good time. That's it. And i'll leave you alone.

Solange: I'll think about it.

Me: Dont think about it, be about it. Ok ladies. It's been fun. Cassie, u can take your ass outta time out now and head straight to the store to purchase some Rogaine and Doo Grow oil. Amber, keep doin you hun and come back to pitch for the ladies team. Solo, i'll pray for u girl. Tell Beyonce I said heyyyyyy!

*click*

Conversations in my head. Round 6 (Mr Sean Combs)

*Ring Ring*

Diddy: Bad boy

Me: What the hell? That's not how you answer a damn phone! And I called your cell, not your office.

Diddy: Who is this?

Me: Not one of your artists that's for damn sure.

Diddy: I don't have time for games, ma.

Me: Really Diddy? You coulda fooled me. Cuz that's all you been doin for the past 10 years. Runnin game.

Diddy: Okay I'm done with the bullshit.

Me: Yeah ok. I mean seriously Daddy. What's up with the Danity Kane fiasco?

Diddy: Danity Kane got themselves in their own mess and now they have to suffer the consequences.

Me: Who the hell are you? Judge Mathis? Listen up Puff. You feelin yourself a bit too much. It started way back when you first put that S-curl activator in your head. Now it's just outta control.

Diddy: What the fuck are you talkin about?

Me: YOU! Come on now, stay with me Ditty Bop. Find a way to close your mouth around those teeth and let some oxygen get to the brain.

Diddy: Okay you got jokes. You kno Im gonna trace this call and come beat your ass right?

Me: I'm not surprised that you would threaten a woman, seeing as how you're mentoring Chris Brown these days. But anyway, getting back to Danity Kane. You know you did those girls dirtier than the back of your neck. You started all of that shit and then threw the blame on Aubrey and D Woods cuz you wanted Dawn all to yourself! Why couldnt you just say that? Why stir up the pot only to let it burn in the end? And then you drag Aundrea allll the way back onto the show just to fire her?! Hell naw. If I were Aundrea I woulda busted you in your front tooth with my purse. You made a mistake Sean. Those girls were the only artists you had on your label actually making some money.

Diddy: Wrong. Day Twenty S-...

Me: I dont give a rat's ass about Seven Eleven or whatever they're called. Brian's a cry baby, Robert's a closet case, and Que is a bipolar punk bitch. Mike and Will are the only two with some sense and they're about fed up with the tomfoolery as well. Danity Kane sold records Sean. They moved units. What else you got? Cassie's half bald headed ass isnt worth much these days...well at least not outside of your bedroom. Donnie is two inches away from being a Disney Cruise lounge singer. I don't see any long lines of talent forming outside of your studio. You suck Sean. You suck. You don't know how to treat people, you misuse and abuse your artists and your bottom lip is dryer than Day 42's bank account. Someone needs to report you and your whole operation to the Better Business Bureau. Cuz you got to go.

Diddy: Ok i'm done.

Me: Promise? Please promise. Cuz I'm really not interested in season 102 of Making the Band. Let it go. You've made your money off the backs of others who still gotta work side jobs to pay bills. You stacked your green, so go retire far far away somewhere and give it a rest. Thanks. And you have a great day.

Conversations in my head. Round 5

ring ring

Operator: Foreign embassy of Barbados. How may I direct your call?

Me: Hi um, i'm trying to locate a lost item.

Operator: Okay. Are you a traveller? Here on vacation or business?

Me: No. Neither. Never been to Barbados. i plan on it though.

Operator: Okay. So you haven't lost anything here?

Me: Oh no not me. I haven't lost anything. But i'm looking for something that was lost and i'm thinking it might still be in Barbados somewhere.

Operator: Ma'am i'm a little confused.

Me: Me too.

Operator: So you haven't been here, but you lost something?

Me: i told you it's not me who lost it!

Operator: Then why are you looking for it?

Me: Cuz somebody has too! No one else is on the hunt for it. It's very important that we all work together to find this item cuz some serious shit is goin down and i'm tellin you, it's not gonna be pretty.

Operator: Ok ma'am. This sounds like it might be out of my league. Have you contacted the police?

Me: Hell to the no. For what? They aren't playing a very productive role in this whole investigation. It's like no one cares. So i thought I would call Barabdos. Maybe someone there would actually have heart enough to figure this situation out and make it right.

Operator: Okay...

Me: Okay...so are you gonna help me find it?

Operator: Uh..what exactly are we looking for?

Me: Rhianna's damn mind. It's lost sir. So far gone I'm not even sure she came out the coochie with one. We gotta find it and quick.

Operator: is this a joke?

Me: That's what i've been wondering!!! But obviously its not cuz one week she gettin busted upside her head, and the next week her assaulter is galavanting around on a jet ski doing heel kicks and shit as if he didn't just pound his girl in her face. And Rhianna over there cupcakin with her abuser on one side and Diddy on the other as if he's a relationship role model to run to. So you tell me, is this a joke?

Operator: Okay, I think i'm done here.

Me: Me too. Hell. To each her own. If she wants a little fake ass r & b thug, she got one. Im just sayin though. If u find half of a mind wanderin around somewhere out there. You know who it belongs to. Ok? thanks, bye.

Conversations in my head. Round 4

Ring ring

Kanye: Hello.

Me: Hello Mr. West

Kanye: I would say there's no need to call me Mister West, but I don't know who this is so i'll wait until after I find out.

Me: Yeah okay. I call you Mr. West because I actually have respect for you. Doesn't matter who I am. I represent your fans. Just look at me as the fan with the balls to call you out on your own shit.

Kanye: What shit?

Me: Yours. I hate to say this, because you really are a genius and everything you write is so damn deep, and you lost your beautiful mother and I know that tore you up, and I can tell you're struggling and even in the midst of your pain you are still the best there is...

Kanye: Okay. So what's the problem?

Me: Umm...Your hair, Mr. West. It's your hair.

Kanye: *laughs* You called me to get on me about my hair?

Me: Yes sir. Somebody has to. To put it as nice as possible, you're looking a hot funky ashy bummy Samuel L. jackson in Jungle Fever mess.

Kanye: Wowww

Me: Yeah, that's how I feel too. And it's not just the hair on the top of your head. It's the hair on your face too. If u must grow a beard, that's fine. But please please, Ye, comb it. Somethin. Every single hair on your head from the back of your neck to underneath your chin is callin out for some tender loving care. Wash it. Put some grease on it and press that shit out. Just do something about it. It's not a good look, Mr West. I know you don't like to be boxed in and you aren't trying to be a sex symbol or nothin but dammt Kanye. You're starting to scare me. And i'm a little worried about your younger fans getting the wrong impression that its okay to step foot outside their house looking like who shot John. So maybe just take a pair of scissors and trim it up a little. Okay?

Kanye: I'll consider it. But don't expect me to conform to societies standards of beauty. Maybe you should start looking outside of the box a little. Break away from the oppresive chains of Hollywood.

Me: Now hold up a minute. I already gave you credit for being different Mr. West. Please don't start with me. I'm being nice cuz like I said, I respect you. But if you start telling me what you wont do even after I already acknowledged that you're unique, you're gonna piss me off. Save it for your next album. All i'm sayin is to tame that nappy shit and do it now cuz I already have to look at Lil Wayne and T-Pain lookin like two damn fools and I didn't expect you to put me through this. You can't pair an ashy face with Louis Vuitton accessories. Just be considerate and coordinated. That's all. Thanks and you have a good day.

Conversations in my head. Round 3

Ring ring

Lil Wayne- It's Weezy F. Baby please say the Baybay.

Me: Oh lawd. Never mind.

*click*

Conversations in my head. Round 2

Ring ring

Usher: What it do?

Me: It don't.

Usher: Huh?

Me: You asked what it do? I said it don't.

Usher: Ohhkay. Who is this?

Me: Tameka's baby daddy sister niece bestfriend who cousin I know cuz he know my mama.

Usher: Are you looking for Tameka? She's not here.

Me: Hell to the no, i'm not lookin for Tameka. Why would I be lookin for something I can go find on the corner of 12th and Broadway in Oakland at any given time of night? She's not there, you say? Well let me ask you this, Mr. Raymond. Why the f*ck are you still there?!

Usher: Excuse me?

Me: No, I will not. Your actions are completely unexcusable these days, my friend. I already called Solange to see if she knew who she was. Now i'm calling you and i'm not even gonna bother to ask, cuz I already know you musta forgot. What happened to that slick talkin, sexy dancin, fly dressing young man who banged out hit after hit and made women drop panties at the mere mention of your name?

Usher: I'm right here. They call me U-S- H -E- R R- A

Me: Hell naw, go on somewhere wit that. Ain't nobody spellin your damn name. Right now we all callin you R-E- T- A- R- D- E- D. You done went out and dug up some ratchet face female from east oakland, got her pregnant not once but twice as if she already didn't have 8 kids, all while making us wait with baited breaths for that long awaited piece of cow shit you call a fifth album. *sighs* I use to love you Ush. I taped half naked pics of you in my locker back in high school. Look at you now! What the hell happened?

Usher: Man I don't know. I just figured it was time for me to grow up. You know, get my grown man on.

Me: Negative. You were grown when you put out Confessions. You may have a been a triflin dirty man-hoe, but you were grown and you were YOU. No one knows who you are any more. Chris Brown and Ne-Yo done slid in and lifted that crown right off your peanut head. And now Chris goin around feelin himself a little too damn much and he about to get his ass locked up. You see what happens when you let yourself go?!

Usher: Damn. I never thought about it like that.

Me: Start thinkin, Ursh. Stop pro-creating and start thinkin. Start makin some GOOD music. Start woking out. Do sumthin! Okay? You got me? Cuz i'm sick of this shit. You have a nice day.

Conversations in my head. Round 1

So I know a lotta people, but not the right people obviously 'cuz there are a few I really wish I could call up right now and have a 1 on 1 with. Since I can't do that in the real world, i'll have the convo myself in blogland.

I'm a lil touched in the head, I know;-)

Convo # 1

ring ring

Solange Knowles: Hello?

Me: Hello.

Solange: Uh.. hello. Who is this?

Me: Chanel. Who is this?

Solange: You called me! I hate when people call and ask who I am. That makes no sense.

Me: Now wait a damn minute SOLO. You wanna talk about what makes no sense? Let's talk about it then. What makes no sense is that while your sister is out and about tossin her ass in 8 places and 3 different countries at one time, your ass is loungin under a rock somewhere as if you've alreaady made it. Why? You have talent. You have looks that somewhat resemble your sisters if you squint your left eye and glance briefly from a distance. You write your own stuff. Which is something you have up on Bey cuz lord knows she's a damn sticky finger thief. And im willing to bet that in that head of yours somewhere, you possess an acting gene. You must get that from Tina cuz your daddy sure as hell don't act like he give a damn about anyone in the world besides his oldest cash cow uh i mean daughter. So that's why I called you. I needed to hear your voice and I needed you to tell me who you were first so I could be convinced that you still knew who the hell you were! You are still a Knowles, right?

Solange: Um...yeah. The last time I checked. Is this Chanel from over there on 45th?

Chanel: Lawd, does it matter? I'm reality calling and the message I have to deliver is if all you want out of life is to be looked at as the "other" one, you're well on your way. Do somethin about it please! BEFORE that retarded director casts your sister as Angela Davis and I really have to go upside someone's head. Thanks. You have a good day.