HAPPY NEW YEAR MY LOVELIES!!!!


*dancin* for 2011 owww!

Something good happened in 2010!!!

*GASP*

Well two things actually. The first being I bought a car. My very own first ever car that I purchased all on my own. *smile* Got her in March. Uhhh...then she got towed about a week later and i had to pay $300 damn dollars to get her out, blew out a back tire on the highway and needed a serpentine belt replacement all within the first month, BUT that's neither here nor there. She's right outside safe and sound and I've destroyed all bus passes.

The second good thing is that my friend from Mills, Kiala G., created and published an amazing Literary Magazine, Generations. The first volume was just released a few months ago and it's beautiful. She asked me to contribute to the next volume and i'm beyond honored. To top it off, she wants me to conduct and write an interview with the super-talented, hella fierce spoken-word slam poet, Rachel McKibbens.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No, yall dont understand. Her book of poetry, Pink Elephant, is the best ever. Her writing is so blunt and in your face and so damn REAL. She has been a huge inspiration for me ever since i was exposed to her so this is beyond unreal for me right now. So happy for the opportunity. THANK YOU KIALA :-)

SO yeah. 2010 wasn't 100% sucky. I'll give credit to where it's due. 98% sucky. lol.

Do you ever just want to kick every damn thing in sight???

That pretty much sums up how i feel right now. I want to kick every trash can and wall I see. smh. I need sleep. And answers. And a drink. or four. Or maybe not because the way I feel, someone's head would get knocked off right now if I had a drink. Or 4.

smh.


Dear 2010...you sucked almost as hard as 2009. The last few months have tried to bring a small dose of sunshine in between the clouds full of shit...but it's not enough.

Dear 2011...you have no choice BUT to produce something happier for me. I cant and I wont continue goin thru the same shit different day/week/month.year anymore. No MA'AM. I'm done.

I'm not resovled to do any damn thing in 2011 besides graduate and shut the fuck up. I have spent so much time trying to explain convince and prove myself...smh. I'm tired and it's time for results or it's time for me to just STOP.

blah

BLAH is precisely how i feel. Life is all over the place. Highs aren't hitting on anything and the lows are reaching the absolute pits. Smh. I need 2011 to work something out.

So there's this 3 story house in Berkeley...

Not too far from Ashby Bart...with a ridiculously overgrown jungle backyard, a gaping hole in the ceiling of the bottom level, two broken bathrooms, walls that need to be painted, the steepest flight of stairs in the nation with NO banister (try climbing them after 10 tequila shots), a kitchen that needs serious remodeling, a living room that doubles as a storage unit, and an attic that's part art studio, part intentional bedroom, part UNintentional bedroom, part common area.

And in this house are 7 (and one on the way) of the most amazing, flexible, talented, artistic, driven, intelligent, socially conscious young people with enough focus, tenacity and PATIENCE to turn such a catastrophe into the experience of a lifetime. Once all of the work that has been taking place over the last few weeks is said and done, it's gonna be an absolutely amazing, creative space. I'm so ready :-)

"I'm not where I imagined myself to be right now, but while i'm forced to detour...I might as well enjoy the scenery" -Chanel

UPDATE:
11/9/2010

The above mentioned house (the shark pit), is now newly painted (downstairs at least), full coverage ceilings & walls, three beautifully functioning bathrooms, 2 fully stocked kitchens and a backyard that has been lovingly tended & provides the most amazing fruits & veggies.

;-) me=happy

Shark!!

Someone's turning 27....shhhhhhh!

It's about that time again. My bday is on Saturday, the 10th. I had a beautiful bday last yr, maybe it can be repeated this year. My spirits arent the best rite now but who knows, hopefully I can push past it all and just celebrate another year of life.

Recognizing growth in myself

It's almost 2 am in the morning and i'm sitting here on a laptop I borrowed from school, wondering why the hell i'm not sleep. *sigh*

I have so much on my mind I kinda feel stuck right now. Like' I can't lay down and get comfortable enough to fall asleep, but staying awake is making me think and think and think and think some more. My mind is racing at 393877579349 mph. Smh.

I do, however, notice a change in my thought process. A little while ago, I probably would've beeen drowned in tears of sorrow and despair...and anger. But tonight I'm just analyzing things and realizing how much control I have tried to exert over EVERYTHING and how I have been hurting myself and the person I love the most by doing so. Learning how to let go and let happen what's meant to happen is a terribly hard thing to do, but once you do it, it's a great feeling of release. It's still nerve-wrecking at times, but it feels good to just breathe and know that I do not have to try to fix and control every single thing. I can sit back and see what life has to offer me and try to enjoy and/or learn from the process along the way. I still have hope for certain things that I would love to happen. But if those certain things dont work out...I know I will still be able to walk away a better woman than who I was some years ago and that makes me genuinely happy.

Plans Change. Consequences happen. Lessons learned. Love disappears???

Tomorrow is suppose to be my five year anniversary. lol.

Hmmm. I don't really feel much right now. Wonder how long this will last.

Allow me to introduce myself....to myself

Hi my blog lovelies. It has been well over a little while since i've posted here [i know i know, shame on it all] BUT if you are fans of my writing, you can always check me out over at The Rainbow Room Things are lil bit edgier/racier/gayer over there so...you've been warned :-) Anywho, I've had something on my mind lately that's more fitting to post here, so here I am.

When I was younger (teens) my parents use to tell me how horrible the 20's were for them, and that I shouldn't be in such a rush to be 21 because the 20's were all about instability, hustlin and trying to find your place in the world. Psssh. I wasn't tryin to hear all that. I wanted to be grown and do wut the hell i wanted to do. 21 = nothin but freedom, gambling, drank and clubs to me. lol. [hot ass mess, i know] So i let all of that nonsense from my parents go in one ear and straight out the other.

I'm now about to be 27 and i see precisely what they were trying to warn me about. 20s are no joke. I feel like i've been forced into a blender and someone has cranked it all the way up to shredabish, and im strugglin to come out partially alive. Smh. My parents raised me well, and I have always had a good head on my shoulders....for the most part. I had a yr back in 2004 where I straight up lost half my mind, but ehhh *shrug*, the thrill faded. So now i'm really trying to carve out my little niche and see how I can make life work for me, and it's HARD. I'm craving stability right now, and I can't seem to begin to find it. School is great but im so ready to be done and start my career, write my books, be in a happy/passionate/fulfilling relationship, have babies, travel. You know...LIVE. It sings to be taking more than my share of blood sweat and tears to get there and I've been really discouraged lately. I've just been going through struggle after struggle with personal things, and sometimes i'm afraid nothing will ever settle and just be peaceful for me. Smh. I feel like i'm evolving and growing in so many ways, but now i'm struggling to become one with myself, and truly become grounded in what I want for myself. It's crazy.

I know good things come to those who wait, patience is a virtue, and much is given to those who work hard and endure. I just wish i could talk myself into seeing the rainbow past all of the clouds hovering over me right now. *sigh*

Okay, okay. Lord, this post is depressing. lol! I'll think of a lighter topic to update you all on later. Thanks for reading! *MuAh*

My Blackberry is fuckin DEAD! HELP!

Ok yall i'm goin crazy. Whoever started calling blackberry's CRACKberrys knew what the hell they were talkin about. Smh. Shit is crazy. The trackball on mine stopped working last week and i've been reduced to using a pink razor from almost 4 yrs ago. Not a good look. But alas, I think i've found a reputable blackberry seller (read:not tryin to rob me for my papuh) and I might be back in the game by this weekend. Fingers crossed and prayers sent cuz um...this slow ass antique phone is NOT the bizness rite now.

That is all.

Happy new yr by the way. lol.