* Ring Ring
Me: Hold on Solo. Gimme 2 minutes
Me: Cas, stay rite here real quick. I'll be back.
Amber Rose: Ms. Rose speaking
Me: Girl hold on
2 minutes of button pressing and wire crossing later....
Me: Okay, is everyone here?! Amber, Solo, Cassie??
Solo: Um what is going on?
Me: Solo, wait your turn. I called you earlier this year, u should already know what's up. Cassie? You there hunny bunny?
Cassie: Yeah. Who is this. Hey Solange, girl!
Me: Uh uh no, there will be no fraternizing on this conference call. I brought yall here for a reason and it's not to play pretty pretty princess with each other k? Y'all have done enuf of that and that's why you're in this predicament now.
Cassie: I don't understand.
Me: Obviously. And you're the one who started this shit!
Cassie: What shit?
Cassie: Is this about Diddy? Are you one of his hoes? Look, I told y'all to st-..
Me: Girl boo, save your self riiiiight now. I dont hardly want your saber tooth tiger over there. U got that. Don't get it twisted. I have somebody whose bottom lip doesn't spend most of its time mopping the floor, k? So stop it. This isn't about Doody. This is about your scalp.
Me: Your scalp bitch your scalp!! Whew, chile...i'm sorry. Just had a moment there. It's just that i'm so mad at you for setting this trend ablaze, I dont know how to control myself.
Cassie: Oh, u dont like my hair?
Me: Understatement of the entire history of the universe. I loathe your hairscalp with everything inside of me. My ancestors are turning over in their graves imagining you stepping outside the house lookin like gangrene done ate up half of your head. Cassie why? Girl you have some beyootiful hair. You hear me?! Women pay 500.00 dollars a pack for that thick silky shit! And what did u do? Shave HALF of it off. Now why would you do that? At least commit to the Montel Williams look and do the whole damn head. But noooo. Someone convinced you that only half of your scalp needed ventilation.
Cassie: I just needed a change.
Me: No. Fail. You need a change now. You didnt need a change before. Well, maybe a career change, but that's neither here nor there. Your hair was fine. If u wanted a change, you coulda threw some color in it. Cut it a little. Hell dred lock it. But what you did is unforgiveable cuz now you have other women thinkin it's the thing ta do. I'm done with you for now Cassie. You're on punishment. Amber? You there hun?
Amber: Uh huh. But I only have a few minutes cuz Kanye jus text me. He's on his way.
Me: He can wait. You aint givin up the ass anyway. At least not to him. Anyway, I have a few words for you as well.
Amber: Before you even start, I shaved my head months before anyone even knew who I was.
Me: Now see, I was actually gonna be nice to you. Yes, I know you shaved your head before you were even a glimmer of relevancy. I do believe that's why it looks halfway good on you. You rock it with originality and confidence and the look on your face says you dont really give a good fuck about all the rest of the birds who claim to shave their heads for a righteous cause. You realize it's solely because you're an attention whore and I'm thankful for your non-denial. It's a refreshing breath of fresh air.
Amber: Um, okay. Thanks...i guess.
Me: Mmm hmm. No problem. One thing though. Really Amber, it's time to ditch the college dropout and go back to your girl friend. You're too fly to be straight. K? Thanks.
Solange: Ooo is it my turn now? Goodie!
Me: Is that sarcasm I hear over there Ms. Knowles?
Solange: I AM NOT MY SISTER!!!
Me: What in the bloody hell? Is your last name not Knowles? I didn't say anything about Beyo-uhh the other one.
Solange: Oh. Yeah. Hm. Sorry about that.
Me: Whew chile you need some therapy for that. I'm concerned. Maybe I wont lay into you too hard. I just wanna ask a question. Do you not own a brush?
Solange: Of course I own a brush. Plenty of them.
Me: Has the baby hid them all from you?
Solange: Not funny.
Me: Not trying to be. But hunny that hair is not the bizness. You wanna chop it all off, fine. At least u did the whole head. But why does it have to look like that? It looks like nappy taco meat and corn nuts, Solo.
Solange: See why do we have to submit to the white man's version of beauty and silky fine hair?!
Me: Now wait a minute sista, dont go all Malcolm X on me when just last month you were the sew-in's best friend. I have nothing against natural beauty, but natural does not have to mean uncivilized. U are giving natural a horrid name with that mess on your head. Spray a little rosewater and shea butter oil on it and run a brush through it one good time. That's it. And i'll leave you alone.
Solange: I'll think about it.
Me: Dont think about it, be about it. Ok ladies. It's been fun. Cassie, u can take your ass outta time out now and head straight to the store to purchase some Rogaine and Doo Grow oil. Amber, keep doin you hun and come back to pitch for the ladies team. Solo, i'll pray for u girl. Tell Beyonce I said heyyyyyy!