Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Conversations in my head. Round 2

Ring ring

Usher: What it do?

Me: It don't.

Usher: Huh?

Me: You asked what it do? I said it don't.

Usher: Ohhkay. Who is this?

Me: Tameka's baby daddy sister niece bestfriend who cousin I know cuz he know my mama.

Usher: Are you looking for Tameka? She's not here.

Me: Hell to the no, i'm not lookin for Tameka. Why would I be lookin for something I can go find on the corner of 12th and Broadway in Oakland at any given time of night? She's not there, you say? Well let me ask you this, Mr. Raymond. Why the f*ck are you still there?!

Usher: Excuse me?

Me: No, I will not. Your actions are completely unexcusable these days, my friend. I already called Solange to see if she knew who she was. Now i'm calling you and i'm not even gonna bother to ask, cuz I already know you musta forgot. What happened to that slick talkin, sexy dancin, fly dressing young man who banged out hit after hit and made women drop panties at the mere mention of your name?

Usher: I'm right here. They call me U-S- H -E- R R- A

Me: Hell naw, go on somewhere wit that. Ain't nobody spellin your damn name. Right now we all callin you R-E- T- A- R- D- E- D. You done went out and dug up some ratchet face female from east oakland, got her pregnant not once but twice as if she already didn't have 8 kids, all while making us wait with baited breaths for that long awaited piece of cow shit you call a fifth album. *sighs* I use to love you Ush. I taped half naked pics of you in my locker back in high school. Look at you now! What the hell happened?

Usher: Man I don't know. I just figured it was time for me to grow up. You know, get my grown man on.

Me: Negative. You were grown when you put out Confessions. You may have a been a triflin dirty man-hoe, but you were grown and you were YOU. No one knows who you are any more. Chris Brown and Ne-Yo done slid in and lifted that crown right off your peanut head. And now Chris goin around feelin himself a little too damn much and he about to get his ass locked up. You see what happens when you let yourself go?!

Usher: Damn. I never thought about it like that.

Me: Start thinkin, Ursh. Stop pro-creating and start thinkin. Start makin some GOOD music. Start woking out. Do sumthin! Okay? You got me? Cuz i'm sick of this shit. You have a nice day.

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