The art of shutting yourself up

Okay so this is beyond random. But it's one of those days. Quick question, how can a person get better at shutting themselves up? Is it even possible? I have one of those personalities that's not easily controlled, not easily silenced and easy to overflow at the mouth, if u get my drift. Is it possible to morph into a woman of few words when it counts the most? I think it's a valuable tool to have and unfortunately, that tool completely missed my box set cuz I dont have it anywhere in sight.

*sigh*

The piranha pool of dating...how does it work?

I am not a dater. I dont do it. Never have. If things work out forever and ever with my current relationship of four years, then i'll never have to. To me, dating is like having the frequent sensation that you have to take a bowel movement, but everytime you try absolutely nothing comes out but gas. I hate it. Its pointless, a waste of time and irritates the hell out of me.

But that's just me.

I know some people are serial daters. They could spend 90% of life mixing and mingling and bouncing from one saturday night special to the next all while stocking up on contraceptives and liquor along the way. And I also know that no, all serial daters aren't whores, therefore all daters are not actually having sex with everyone they go out on a date with. They just truly love to meet new people and pray to God not to be bored to death. Well I just don't have the inclination to gather up contact info of various people, spend the energy to get all glammed up and go out...only to be disappointed. Not saying that i'll be disappointed every single time. But according to what many of you on the dating market are saying (and according to me not being the easiest person to entertain), I'm pretty sure most of my dating experiences would be astronomical disappointments for various reasons: bad breath, bad looks, bad convo, bad sense of humor, bad sense of style, bad manners, bad odor, bad chemistry, just all bad.

Sooo i've been able to forego casual dating for most of my life and i'm happy about it. I'm not saying i've never been out on a date before. Yeah, i've been picked up, handed flowers and taken out...but never by a complete stranger who I didn't even know whether or not I ever wanted to see them again in my life. This is how it always seemed to go for me:

1.Someone I already knew as a friend OR someone i didnt know personally but saw out and about shows interest in me.

2. If i'm interested back, we'd exchange numbers and spend the next few days running up phone bills.

3. If i like what i hear over the phone, I agree to go out on the illustrious "1st date".

4. That 1st date leads to a 2nd, and then a 3rd and then bam! Relationship.

Clean cut and dry. No awkward dates with someone I had zero chemistry with. For damn sure no blind dates. No dates with someone I can never see myself being with...at least for a few months. And that's how i liked it. All of this going out meeting random people at the club/mall/on the corner every other night only to be turned off when I actuallly attempt to hold a conversation with them is for the birds.

So how does the dating game work for you?

Multiple Personality Disorder...is this a joke?

Back when I thought I was sane enough to go into the field of Psychology, I was always intrigued by the amount of mental disorders that are documented by the American Mental Health Association. Of course the more commonly known cases are Schizophrenia, Bipolar disorder and what have you. But I found Multiple Personality Disorder to be the most interesting because...well...the thought of one person having live-in visitors inhabiting their body, coming and going as they please is just highly entertaining. And scary, to say the least. Think about it, you have a friend name Candace who you love going out with and y'all are chillin one day at a restaurant and you go to talk to her and she looks at you as if you've lost your mind, sayin that she doesn't know you and demands you stop caliing her Candace because her name is Shawanda. What do you do? Play along? Get up quickly and walk away?

Well Showtime has braved the topic of Multiple Personality Disorder with a new series, United States of Tara. It's about a mother of two teenagers/wife of one husband (she's married to the man Carrie Bradshaw should have married, Aidan, from Sex and The City for those who had enough sense to follow that show) who is often taken over by her "alters". It works like this. Her given name is Tara and she has this family filled with your typical confusion, especially when u have a 16 year old drama-queen daughter and a 14 yr old know-it-all son. But things get even more complicated whenever Tara gets stressed out because she automatically retreats into herself, unleashing one of her 3 alter-egos, T (a 16 year old nympho who loves wearing jeans that show off her nasty looking thong), Buck (a trailer park trashy type man who loves flirting with trailer park trashy bar waitresses) and Alice (a June Cleaver/Mommy Dearest wannabe). When one of these alters take over, Tara is completely powerless and doesn't remember anything once she snaps back, leaving her vulnerable and capable of doing God knows what while she's under the alters control.

The show is funny as hell and I now have two whole reasons to watch Showtime. (The L Word is still number 1) But i'm still not sure if I buy into the whole multiple personality thing. I mean I know the brain is a very intricate feature and yes, if it's chemically imbalanced you can become wacked out beyond belief, but damn. I just don't know how I could handle being four people in one. I have a hard enough time dealing with myself! I can only imagine what my alters would be like. I know one of them would be a white girl named Becky. I know it. lol.

Bush's final letter to Obama

HA!!!

Zane's The Sex Chronicles...

You've read it, I read it, we all read it. It was something like a phenomenon amongst the black literati a few years ago when this book came out because, well...let's just say that black folk don't generally write books about Sorority F*ck fests, voyeurism and bondage. So when this collection of "urban erotica" hit the bookshelves and hush hush whispers of the scandalous freak nasty explicitness began to circulate, it flew off the racks like crazy. I admit to reading the book in its entirety in one sitting. I mean hey, the author is a black woman with a dirty mind and a sense of humor, I figured it would be a good read. Well this is my personal review of it.

THE BOOK SUCKS.

Let me say that again.

EL LIBRO SUCKS.

Now I have nothing against Zane. I think she's a decent writer. I've read some of her other books that are not erotic compilations and they weren't bad at all. She has a knack for humorous dialogue and interesting plot twists that shine through on books such as The Heat Seekers and Addicted. But when it comes to her literary porn... no ma'am. Her oversimplistic, cliche'd, oooo f*ck me big daddy style of sex talk just doesn't do it for me. It's like Erotica for Dummies. It's like Patty Cake porn. It's like 2+2 look what I can do! I think you get my drift.

While erotica may not be my favorite genre choice, I can definitely appreciate a good sexual short story. But I need it to be seductive, alluring, mysterious. Draw me into the bedroom/car/closet before you proceed to shove your fingers in places they really shouldn't be unless you've thouroughly sanitized them first. Make me want to know what's gonna happen next. Make me crave it. Make me hang on to every sentence until I damn near become a character in the book myself. Erotica needs to be so good that I contemplate picking it up on late nights when my girlfriend isn't anywhere near to help keep me company. Now that is some good writing. The Sex Chronicles made me want to rip out the pages and use them as back up toilet paper on those rare occasions that i'm completely out of supply.

Did anyone else not enjoy this book or are my tastes just a little too high standard???

Yes Beyonce made me cry

Watch more YouTube videos on AOL Video

Ok so the fact that Barack looks at Michelle with sooooo much love and adoration in his eyes proving that YES black people do love hard and we do love passionately and we CAN love forever, that all factored into my tears too. Bey did a great job singing At Last (one of my favorites) and I could tell that the experience was overwhelming and humbling for her. Ahhhhhhhh what a night :-) Love it.

My 3 Cents on 1st Lady Michelle's Dress

The magical day/night is over, but the sheen of it all is still very much felt in the air. After the inauguration of President Barack Obama, things just feel different. Yesterday's events were mesemrizing and I made it clear that one of my main points of interest was what Mrs. Obama was going to wear to the 100's of balls that her and President Obama had to attend. My "suggestions" ranged from something black and racy to regal and elegant in royal purple. I did mention that Mrs. Michelle loves her vivid colors (as seen in her flashy gold coat and dress set she wore at the swearing in) but that she might choose to go neutral for her ball gown. And she did.



I will admit to not loving the dress when I first caught a glimpse of it on Yahoo homepage. It wasn't exactly what I had in mind, and white would have been one of my last choices in color. BUT when I got home and actually watched her and Barack in each other's arms at the Youth Ball, she did look stunning. I loved the flowy skirt of the dress and the crystal jewel accents sparkled like crazy, creating an angelic effect that was perfect for the occasion. A little disappointed that she didn't wear her hair swept up, but all in all, our First Lady was well put together as usual.

And let's not forget Dr. Jill Biden



So much talk swirls around about Michelle's fashions (rightfully so) but, i'm feelin Dr. Biden as the lady in red. And I just really really like her. Very down to earth yet she obviously has her ish together (hello she is DOCTOR Biden), and the fact that she's so dedicated and coommitted to still teaching...she's just really cool.

That's MR. PRESIDENT BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA TO YOU!

This will be short and sweet. Today, the first African American man was sworn in as the 44th President of the United States and it happened in my lifetime. My parents, born in the 50's (well actually my dad born in '48) never thought this day would come. I, being born in a slightly more race conscious era, never said never, but I did say yeah right we'll see when it happens. Well, it happened. And I couldn't be happier. May God watch over, protect and guide President Obama's heart and mind, while keeping his head firmly grounded and planted upon strong shoulders of civil duty, honor and strength. First Lady Michelle, you are a beautiful, strong, kind hearted woman and may little girls around this country look up to you and recognize a REAL black woman when they see one. God bless our First Family.

Oh and the BEST part of the swearing in ceremony (after the actual pledge for historic purposes) was Rev. Joseph Lowery's benediction prayer, hands down. "When Black is no longer told to get back, brown can stick around, yellow can be mellow, red can get ahead and white will [finally] embrace what is right" lmao. Gotta love him.


P.S. And yes I did like Michelle's gold sparkly dress with the matching coat, but i'm still waiting for her ball gown appearance tonight. Fingers crossed for something purple or pink and divaish!

The painful self-imposed demise of Lil Kim

***After I make this quick intro, very little verbage will be used cuz there just aren't enough words to properly describe such a tragedy***

I use to love Lil Kim. She was raw, and hardcore, and nasty and a beast on the mic. She repped hard for NY and for the ladies and I just thought she was fly. I wish she would step back into her right mind and come back to the world because we so desperately need a fierce lady emcee. But i'm afraid too much damage has been done physically and mentally to Ms. Kimberley Denise Jones.
Shall we proceed? Yes indeed...

Classic Kim. The infamous poster all the little black boys (and the grown men) wacked off to back in 1995.










Cute & happy. *sigh*


Freaky as all hell but she was cute though.


A little experimental there but it works.


Mmm hmm. Here come the blonde lace fronts.


Despite the wig, the boob job and the heavy photoshop, she's still cute.


Queen Bee has stung herself...in the lips.


The train slowly starts rolling.


And it's picking up speed.





Full speed ahead.


The brick wall is in sight.



And the trainwreck has occrred.


Why? Why Kim? Do you have an answer for yourself when you look into anything that reflects back at you? Why tamper with something that wasn't broke in the first place? Well, you were broke but it seems as if that's when you had the most sense!!! **shakin my head and logging out**

This crap is why I don't watch much TV.

For me, the television is one of those things I can really take or leave. With the exception of the L Word, new music videos and an occasional reality show, nothing on TV is worth the effort it takes to even press the power button on the remote. And it for damn sure isn't worth the amount of $$$ dished out to Comcast every month. But I understand that it is a source of entertainment for times when nothing else can be found to do. (Try reading a book)

Last night I watched two shows, one that i've been increasingly disappointed in as the years go by (because it started to royally suck) and the other is a fairly new guilty pleasure that I for some random reason gained interest in. Both shows reached new levels of wackness last night and this is why I don't care to watch too much TV.



The Bad Girls Club is my new fascination. A bunch of so-called badasses from different walks of life are thrown into a house together, hilarity and drama ensues. The show is quite funny at times and all of the girls do need some form of counseling for their neurosis. But being mentally off and an emotional mess does not make you a Bad Girl. It makes you a nut job. After watching the first few shows of this season, I now have a desire to move in to the Bad Girl house and see just how big and "bad" they truly are cuz after last night...i'm thinkin they all like to write checks that their punk asses can't cash. And please don't get me started on Ms. Ghetto Mud Duck herself, Kayla or KC or whatever her name is. She sucks so bad it hurts. I googled her ass and couldnt even find a picture she's so damn lame. For all the shit she talks:

"I'm from Compton bitch and you not!"

LAME

"It's not about bein hard bitch, this is just me!"

LAME

"Now you talkin all that shit cuz you know it's gonna piss me off and make me wanna come back there and slap you!"

All the poppin off at the mouth, all the bottles broken and bony limbs tossed around while twistin her long scrawny neck and tossin her gelled down finger wave weave, all the black girls at the club she threatened to scrap with....ALLLLLL THAT DRAMA....

and she chose to get into a fight with her blonde white girl room mate named Amber.

lmfaoooo. So lame. So much for bein a bad bitch from Compton who will cut a hoe at the drop of a dime. She conveniently got too drunk and kicked out of every club before having to engage in any hard core fighting with any around the way chicks who she knew would beat that ass. But she managed to land herself a patty cake fight with Amber who was more gully about it than Kayla herself!!! WAAACK. Whew lord she is so wack. I can't even type about her anymore. I'm glad she dismissed herself from the show. GOOD RIDDANCE and proceed to the nearest hair salon and wash that pro-style gel out of your damn head.

On to the next show.



American Idol is not new. It's rather old and quickly falling off of the relevancy map. I tune in every season just to see if maybe JUST maybe the judges and America will get their heads out of their asses and vote for someone with that deep-rooted, God Given soulful talent. So far it's only happened one & a half times- Fantasia and i'll give Kelly Clarkson half a mention cuz the girl does have some pipes on her.

True to form, season 9 started off with the usual comical auditions, some fairly good and others a hot funky mess. The contestants who know they sound like death and destruction kill me every single time. I just dont understand. These people must have no friends or family who love them because if they did, they wouldn't dare have the encouragement to step up to a live mic. But hey. It's entertainment for me!

The horrid auditions weren't the wack part though. The lamest moment happened when the new judge Karla, Kara, Kerry whatever got into a sing off with the skinny chick in the bikini who attempted to sing a Mariah Carey song. (already a strike one) Now the contestant wasn't horrible but she wasn't a powerhouse vocalist either so the new judge Kaya decided she didn't understand what the hype was all about and tried to upstage her by singing her own version of the song that skinny bikini girl tried to do. A trainwreck of screeching and never ending throat runs ensued and I almost muted my tv. Now the new judge Kandace actually does have a decent voice on her and she probably can sing circles around skinny bikini chick but come on now. Don't step outta pocket and reduce yourself to the level of contestant when you are being paid the big bucks to be a judge! And then she had the nerve to call skinny bikini chick a bitch. Completely classless and tacky. So yeah, that was wack. And as of yet, no vocalist has caught my attention with the minor exception of the mexican/white/italian whatever she is 16 yr old girl who sounds like Nora Jones. She sang the Corinne Bailey Rae song, Put Your Records On, and has a very unique tone about her. Everyone else sucked donkey balls.

I wont be watching tv tonight. And this is why.

BUT ON A HAPPIER NOTE! I might be a little late because i've been told that this video is old, but I just saw Keri Hilson's video for Turnin Me On and that shit is hot. I liked the song from jump and added it to my ipod, but the video took it to a whole nother level with her dancing and Weezy's swag. Ms. Hilson upped her sexy a few notches with that one. Good job! Now if only she could do away with that atrocious Beatles inspired quick weave....

Michelle Obama's Inaugural gown....

I don't know about anyone else but I am more excited about seeing what First Lady Michelle is gonna step out in on Jan. 20th than anything else. I kow she's gonna be stunning and I can't wait. Many high-fashion designers are breaking their necks trying to be "the one" chosen to doll Mrs.Obama up for the historical day. I say forget all of em and let Michelle pick her own outfit from head to toe without any help from anyone....except me :-) My imagination is running wild and here are a few looks that I think she could work the hell out of:

1st and foremost, I want her to stay far far away from metallics. Gold, silver and bronze have been played out over the past few years and I don't wish to see any more sequined shimmery dresses (think anything Beyonce wears on the red carpet. Love you Bey!) So just say no to gold, Mrs. Obama. Thanks.

But now purple...

Yessss. The color looks amazing on her and it has become one of her signature shades. The fabric would radiate under all the camera lights and with a really classy up do, like this one... and a single strand tear drop diamond necklace with matching earrings, she would be gorgeous.

BUT, since she has done purple a few times, maybe she'll want to change it up a little.


Now maybe it's just me, but i'd love to see her in a pink evening gown. Really light pastel pink such as the one above could be a unique choice. Throw these shoes in for good measure...(i love these damn shoes!!!)

OR something a little more glam like this Roberto Cavalli below...
The color would look beautiful against her brown sugar skin and the train is princessy without being too over the top.

Even though she loves her colors I'm thinking Michelle might throw us for a loop and opt for basic black. If she does go black though, I want her to go as UN basic as possible.
America is not ready for the sheer illusion halter neck:-) Michelle could pull it off though with lots of class (and with either pair of these heels).


Or she may choose something relatively simple and elegant

OR


The burgundy/reddish tone is very classic and regal. Michelle's figure would be vicious in that second mermaid style burgundy dress (those hips!) and she has a very graceful neck that would be accentuated by the off the shoulder cut. I'm not fond of gold jewelry but red gowns call for multiple thin gold bangles and a detailed gold necklace. Thin strand pearls would work too.

Although blue is not my first pick in evening gown wear, I wouldn't be mad at something royal and icy like this...

Very feminine and flowy. Love it. And you know Barack has about 50 blue ties to match. This color calls for ice so Ms. Michelle could feel free to bling it out with sexy diamonds.

After the actual inauguration, i'm sure she'll change outfits and if she wants to try something shorter and flirty, a few of these party dresses match her sophisticated but hip style:


OKAY! So my pipe dream of dressing First Lady Obama may not ever come true but i'm sure she is on top of things and will blow every other First Lady so far out of the water they'll be like Jackie who???

Haters = the most pointless people on earth

I have never met a hater who had a point. And I mean a valid, squared off, based on fact, hard-hitting point. I just don't understand the concept of being envious of the next person for having something that you either are too lazy to work hard enough to get, or just weren't blessed with at birth.

I am not, have never been and will never be a hater. There are plenty of things I don't have and would damn near trade in a family member to get (joking), but when I see someone who has it (such as a woman with a toned stomach) I don't curse the day she was born and stare at her with a look of death and destruction. I may or may not smile at her, make a mental note of what I need to start doing in order to get in shape and go on about my business. Simple as that. Society today is filled with haters, and what's worse is that many of them are put on pedestals and getting paid to do so! Let's look at some of the most prominent...

50 Cent- Now i know Hip Hop is a grimy game and you have to throw some punches to survive but good God, enough is enough. When your entire career is based on destroying the careers of others...you need to re-assess whether or not your career has much of a chance of surviving when someone younger and hotter steps on the scene and lays into you just as hard. And trust me, it will happen. HATER!

Wendy Williams- Ugggh. Okay i'm not hating on her, I just really can't stand her. I would be hatin on her if I said she looks like a Raiders line backer in drag, but i'm not sayin that so i'm not hatin. I just don't think there's anything worse than stepping in front of a camera or a mic and losing every ounce of class and common courtesy that God has given you. Ms. Williams is an attention whore in the worse way and will stoop lower than the dog sh*t on the sidewalk to grab a headline. She doesn't care if it means dissing someone's cancer-ridden wife or outting someones sexual orientation on the radio...it's all fair game to her. I just hope and pray her skin is as thick as her neck (ooops! Am i hating?), and that she can take what she dishes out cuz one day, someone is gonna serve it to her soooo bad. HATER X 2!

Rush Limbaugh- Sorry to offend any staunch conservative readers, but Rush is a hater. 93% of the stuff that comes out of his mouth makes absolutely no sense and is all said to ruffle feathers or blast someone solely because they share different political views than himself. He has no point. His talk show has no point. Whenever his mouth moves, you pretty much know he's wasting oxygen and spouting a bunch of BS. HATER & rude as hell

Don Imus- Don't even get me started on him. Anyone who can open up his mouth on a nationally syndicated talk show and call a group of young black women atheletes some nappy headed ho's... you know he's a hater and a hipocrite. You know Don dreams of black women in his sleep and is just bitter cuz none will give his crusty ass the time of day. HATER & ignorant!!

These are just a few haters who take up space serving no point at all. But hey, I guess you can't be mad at them alone seeing as how the public boosts their ratings by watching and soaking in all of their hate as if it's the next best thing to do since um...maybe reading a book. Whatever the curious case may be...Hating is not the thing go do. It's not intelligent, it's not proactive, and it's not cute. So stop it.

Hell to the...

This teeny tiny word has lots of power. You have something someone wants really bad. They ask for it. You say NO. That's that. Someone asks you to marry them. You think about it for 3.5 seconds and then proceed to say NO. Game over. It's just a very loaded word, and I think I have become a little too dependent on it. Now, I dont wanna walk around like Jim Carrey, obliged to say yes to every single thing cuz i'll get my self in heaps of unwanted trouble. But I do tell myself and others NO a lot and i'd like to see the perspective of life from the YES side for awhile. Let me give you a few for instances here:

I've always been a very play-it-safe kinda girl. Things like bungee jumping, deep sea diving, rock climbing, parasailing, going off on safaris in far away places and most other things involving spontaneity and adventure...not too interested. Those things equal death to me and i'm not too keen on dying either. But it's not like that for everybody. People who can throw caution to the wind at times and just DO and say YES to random and unique experiences have this energy and air of satisfaction about them that i've become envious of. Playing it safe has kept me alive, and i've probably avoided many missteps that others have run blindly into, so i'm thankful for some of my hesitancies. But i'm gonna try my hardest to give it a shot and take a few more risks. I mean it couldn't hurt, right? At least I hope it doesn't.

I thought Obama would get me laid

If you haven't already done so, please click HERE because this is some funny shit. Not too sure if the site owner is smokin that ooo weee, has too much time on his or her hands, or a combination of both...either way, it's classic.

I'm not even gonna ruin it and tell u what the premise is cuz like I said, that would ruin it. Just go. Then come back and tell me what u think.


I will give a slight spoiler and say that I, for one, am not one of those Obama supporters who believe that he can part the red sea while turning water into Hennesy as he increases our pay rate by 50%. Nope. Most people thought Clinton saved the world for good after he got into office...hmm. Guess that didn't work out too well. So no. I'm not delusional. But President Obama has got to be better than genius up there. And if he's not...lord help us all.

I want my kidney back bitch!!!

Starting the day off rather amusingly, I came across a yahoo video about a man who is divorcing his wife. That's not the amusing part. What tickled me is the fact that he gave his wife one of his kidneys a few years back when she was sick and they were still in love. Now they hate each other and he wants her to give him his kidney back as a part of the divorce settlement!!! Ahaaaa haaaaa! Okay. Sorry. But how can you be an Indian giver of a kidney? That is just some f*cked up mess, seriously. How rude can he possibly be? Ask for the cars, the house, the dogs, leave her dirt ass broke if you absolutely have to. But to demand your kidney back??? Wow. That's deep. She must have done something seriously sick and twisted for him to want back what she obviously needs to keep her alive. Whew. I hope to never piss off the person i might need an organ from. Word to any future donors: Once it's in ME, it's MINE for life so you might as well forget about it.

The power of friendship

I was born a people person. I was one of those babies that everyone loved to hold and I was passed from lap to lap, kisses constantly planted on my fat cheeks. I ate the attention right on up. In pre school, I was the little girl always consoling the crying kids in the corner who were distressed about their parents ditching them. In elementary and middle school I kept a strong band of friends who lit the recess area up at lunch with gossip and laughter. In high school, I joined clubs, edited the school newspaper and flew like a butterfly. I truly loved the networking and the socializing with my peers, and my best friends were like family and were attached to my beeper which was constantly attached to my hip.

What in the hell happened?

I'm now 25, out of high school and into the real world of a full time job, a full time relationship and part time college courses. Bills, homework, random arguments and an overactive worrysome mind keep me on edge. I find little time to socialize and when I do scrape up a few hours to spend with friends, I find myself sidetracked with thoughts of things on my to do list. I seem to have lost my ability to let go and enjoy the company of others outside of my household and I want the ability back!! I do miss having a group of girlfriends to hang out with, talk about all of the wierd stuff that no one else but your best friends would ever care about while engaging in hours spent at the mall or some cute restaurant in the city. I miss it. But I never allow myself the opportunity to take part in it. And now I seem to have lost all connection with those friends who I would do that with and it sucks.

As I said in an earlier post, I don't do New Yr resolutions. But I will make it a point to get myself up and out of the rut of work home school work home school work home school, and i'll go OUT with some friends and just BE.

Does anyone actually work at work anymore?

Perhaps this is a personal problem. But I really don't think i've done a thing today that even remotely resembles something productive. I'm just not feeling it. It might be because I just returned home from a 10 day vacation and my mind is still stuck somewhere in the smoky corners of an Atlanta nightclub. Yeah...that could be it. Or maybe it's the economy. I mean, i'm not really making enough money to do what I truly NEED (want?) to do anyway, so maybe my heart just isnt into outputting because my input is less than desirable. OR...maybe today is just my day to be a slacker and I should take full advantage and enjoy it while it lasts.

Anyone else with me here?

Seeing as how you're reading this, i'm willing to bet you aren't exactly nose to the grind today either.

Top 10 memories of 2008

2008 came and went so unbelievably fast that I sorta feel as if i've been in a drug induced haze for the first half of it. I swear New Years 08 just happened! I was just passed out at the bus stop in Oakland in the freezing cold after tossing back 10 too many tequila shots at that new years eve party! It really does feel like that just happened yesterday. But alas, 08 is but a passing relic of time, filled with memories, some beautiful...some not. Here are my Top 10 most memorable moments of the year:


10. Passing out at the AC transit bus stop on New yrs eve. (Did I already mention that?) That night was quite fun. Danced a lot, drank even more, and then proceeded to sprawl myself out across the entire bus bench, mouth open, head cocked back and to the side, while people walked past my girlfriend, asking her if I was dead.

9. The birth of my Godson, Amauri on May 9th and of adorable little Elijah on March 15th.

8. Going to see the Dark Knight in San Francisco at 3:30 in the morning at the Metreon. And I would do it again in a heartbeat.

7. Reading that email that I'm pretty sure was never intended for me to read but if I hadn't, who knows where 'WE' would be right now.

6. The day our therapist looked at us, smiled and said "Well, it looks as if our work here might be done."

5. Going to my first lesbian wedding :-)

4. Going to New york and consequently becoming obsessed with one day moving there.

3. Sending off my application and collection of poems for my $10,000 grant.

2. Celebrating my 3rd year being in a relationship with the most beautiful person i've ever known, inside and out.

1. Election day 2008. You already know the outcome and I couldn't have been more elated.

I could probably come up with 20 of these but it's a new yr, which means i'm almost a year older and my brain is tired. Come back next year for ten more!!!

New Year resolution anyone???

This one is gonna be clear cut and simple. I am not a resolution type of girl. I wont lie to myself and ban my tastebuds from chocolate while swearing to lose 40 pounds this year. I don't promise not to swear because I love to curse so I figure I might as well let that shit go. I don't promise not to ever lie cuz who in the hell am I or anyone else kidding? I don't promise to be a perfect friend, a perfect girlfriend or a perfect daughter cuz it hasn't happened in 25 yrs, so what makes 2009 any different? It's not, so I won't.

But I will break ground this year and accept the personal responsibility of committing to a REVOLUTION. The definition of a revolution is a marking of an overall change across the board that can not be overturned. In other words, once something revolutionary has happened, there's no going back. That trumps the flip floppy resolution any day.

2008 brought forth many a change in me that I am quite proud of. 2009 will take me to even higher plateaus of personal gratification and motivation. I wont box myself in by pin pointing precisely what i must accomplish or i'll be a loser. But I will say that the woman I am right now at this very second will be even greater, even stronger, even happier, and even more accomplished by the end of the year. So whatever the changes are that I feel need to be made, I commit to figuring them out and slowly but surely making them. So to all of you depending on resolutions to get you through, try easing up on the B.S for one year and make a promise to be REVOLUTIONARY. It's well worth it.

The Trust issue that is about to become a non-issue for 2009

Trust is one of those concepts that I think was created as a huge joke by someone with a slightly demented sense of humor. Seriously. Who thought of the meaning of trust? Who sat around thinking about whatever it is they were (or weren't) feeling about their significant other when it comes to those nagging suspicions, irritating urges to pop up randomly and/or snoop around other's property? And what does genuine trust feel like? Call me a pessimist (and i'm not typically labeled as such) but i think the word trust is full of horse shit. Stay with me here.

I've been in a decent share of relationships. Less than many people my age due to my tendency of engaging in lengthy ordeals, but enough to know that what I speak of is true, at least for me. It's safe to say that I have never, ever, EVER 100% trusted any one in my entire life. And I might as well extend this beyond my romantic endeavors. Friends, family, co-workers, class mates, doctors, policemen, homeless man on the street, etc. Don't fully trust ANY of them. I just don't. Anyone is capable of doing something wrong, rude, and fucked up enough for me to not trust them at all, so why should I give it all away in the 1st place? If someone is perfect, walking around with a halo and a squeaky clean slate, then maybe she (i'm pretty sure it wouldn't be a he) would deserve my trust. But no one on this earth is perfect, thus, all of us have the ability and the likelihood to royally screw someone over at least once or twice in a lifetime. I've tried to decipher the formula behind trusting someone. Over the years, I've attempted to cleanse my mind of warning signs, stop my fingers from digging up clues, and close my eyes to any of those irritatinlg subtle signs. And i've found out that my yearning and striving towards being a more trusting person with everyone in my life has been the culprit of my 10 gray hairs and frequent migraines. I am done with the trust issue. If it comes, it comes. If it doesn't, too damn bad.

Now, i'm not condoning completely dissing your partner and making him or her feel as if she's on trial for murder every second of every day. That will do nothing but get you dumped and cause ulcers. But I am saying be careful. Take precautions and don't be an idiot. I've done my dirt. I'm not a horrid person at all, but i'm not innocent either and i know the games and how they should be played. Grant it, i'm now with someone who actually lives her life in such a way that makes me want to be a better woman, therefore, the tricks of the trade are quietly being packed up and buried somewhere deep within my clutered closet. But I know em when I see em and I can smell em comin from a mile away. So tell me, is there ever a good enough reason to trust someone 100%? Is it even possible? What does it feel like? Or are we all secretly waiting for the person we are with to do something retarded enough to get kicked to the curb??